Self-esteem: Connecting Past to Present
In my experience, self-esteem is something that comes with accepting who you are, which can come with time. Its a journey, but there are ways to make the journey of self-acceptance more enjoyable. If you have the intention of gaining self-esteem, you’re already half-way there. This is because self-awareness is a big part of self-esteem.
Self-Awareness
When pondering self-esteem, it can be helpful to make connections with early life and current struggles. This helps to get clear on who you are and where you came from. Experiences in childhood can be a source of confusion for the Self. Maybe during childhood years, you grew up with little boundaries, or on the other end of the spectrum, perhaps you were too sheltered.
When a family suffers from lack of structure, boundaries can be crossed regularly. This could look like caregivers “disciplining” children in a violent manner or using verbal threats and accusations. Abuse is often the result of “traumatic reenactment,” in which the caregiver unconsciously repeats trauma they experienced in their daily lives. In a boundary-lacking home, the rules and expectations may not be clearly vocalized. There could be free rein to do whatever the children want. They may experience neglect, resulting in not getting basic needs met. Lack of boundaries are confusing to children because there is no consistency of cause and effect. Confusion results when you never know what you’re going to get from caregivers. When things aren’t clear in the way your family functions, it can transfer to confusion of your own personal identity.
In the other direction, when a child is sheltered growing up, it can subtly send the message that it’s not safe for them to explore. The caregiver may overreact with fear if the child attempts to wander, even if they are nearby and generally safe. The child may hold themselves back from exploring their world as an attempt to not upset caregivers. Another example is when a caregiver tells the child what is acceptable and not acceptable, in terms of the child’s identity or wants and needs. When a child is told “you’re okay” when they aren’t feeling okay, this can be confusing to the child or cause shame. When a child isn’t given choice, and the caregiver regularly chooses for them, that child may struggle with knowing their own preferences later in life.
Many people fall somewhere in the middle of these two examples of caregiving. Most of the time, caregivers are doing their best with what they have learned. Regardless of your upbringing, you can identify how your early life experiences may be impacting your self-esteem now. Therapy creates a safe, nonjudgemental space to explore how your upbringing or early life impacts you today.
Validation
The reason we first consider upbringing is to validate your experience. You are a unique, feeling person, and your life matters. It’s no competition to have the best childhood or the worst. Your life matters regardless of what you have or have not been through. Having validation from others is incredible. Therapy can be a great place to get it. And not because your therapist agrees with everything you say—that wouldn’t be helpful—but because your therapist is there to listen to your experience and take it in. With empathy, a therapist can see your experience from your point of view. What you’ve been through really happened. You truly felt that way. These situations affected you. And how could they not? Your lived experiences and memories have major impacts on choices you make and your daily thoughts and feelings.
Validating yourself can be an even more incredible feeling that being validated by someone else. To validate yourself requires some compassion on your part. It can be tough to practice compassion with oneself and easier with loved ones. When you practice empathy with a friend and identify why they feel a certain way, what is the process in your mind? Maybe you make the connection of why they would react a certain way, based on their past experiences. When empathizing with another person, you can do it because you put yourself in their shoes. To validate yourself, put yourself in your own shoes. Look at your situation from different angles. Observe the valid reasons for how you feel or react the way you do.
Consider working with a therapist to unpack childhood experiences and how this impacts your current self-esteem. Some may think this is a luxury, but for many, its necessary. Disturbing memories can bring up tough emotions. These can be processed safely and effectively with a supportive and compassionate therapist. On your own, you can notice areas where you may be putting yourself down and instead, learn to validate yourself.
